


Medicine Men Don't Accept Health Insurance

by Phaserburn



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Dark Comedy, Gen, No Spoilers, The Government Shutdown, The United States Government
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-30 03:43:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phaserburn/pseuds/Phaserburn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil's gives his perspective on the Government Shutdown, all while trying to maintain enough funding to stay on air without receiving public money.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Medicine Men Don't Accept Health Insurance

There is a hole in your backyard, too long to measure, too deep to explore, too hot to be of earth alone. Voices echo from its depths. Sit beside it and listen and know it knows nothing, but listen all the same.

Welcome to Night Vale.

As you may know listeners, Night Vale public radio is a public radio station, and depends on public funding to keep its lights on, its microphones recording, and various officials away. The government shut down has hit us hard, and we’ve been forced to look for alternative forms of funding. We’ve already stopped using unpaid interns for the majority of our labor and begun requiring they pay us a fee for the opportunity to work in our station, but it hasn’t been quite enough. But rest assured, we don’t plan on leaving these air waves anytime soon.

American Airlines. We don’t plan on leaving the air anytime soon. We don’t plan on landing at all.

In the meanwhile, we’ll continue to report on the goings on at Washington.

Protests have been staged outside of Congress all week, with surprisingly large cardboard signs reading “Obamacare? More like ObamaCouldn’tCareLess. Am I right?” or “Medicine men don’t accept health insurance. What am I supposed to do?”

Republican William Decour lead the charge yesterday evening with a speech for the hallowed and mostly empty Senate, insisting that filling out the application for Obamacare is a trap intending to harvest the souls of unsuspecting applicants, not to mention a huge waste of time and effort. They produced several glassy eyed, pale insurance purchasers, who gnashed their jaws at the sight of flesh and whose fingers twitched, compulsively trying to refresh the crashed page. But at least it’s not as frustrating as those customer service agents at AT&T? Am I right?

Cox Communications. Bundle packages starting at $79.99.

Afterwards the speakers brought up the rather exorbitant fee that is inflicted on those without insurance: $95, a first born child, or 1% a households total children. Whichever costs more.

They also cited reports that the investigators granted unilateral power to discover and prosecute uninsured individuals are being belligerent and just downright rude, barging into homes during dinner of all times.

Republican Senator William Decour concluded his several hour long speech by saying, “and there is, ummmm, small print. Yes. Small print that gives the president the power to harvest the blood and organs of healthy people. White people. That’s reverse discrimination-” His speech was concluded when two large guards descending from the balcony dragged him from the podium, kicking and clawing at the eyes of his captors while screaming what I can only assume was foul language in a tongue similar to English but different. Harder and colder and wet, like the soil at the bottom of the hole you dig to plant a peach tree you bought from Home Depot. He did break free from his captors however, and his final act was to crash through a window on the House floor and run away.

However, he was not seen on any of the roads outside by pedestrians, nor are there any windows in the Senate House, at all. Furthermore, our intern Jeremy has yet to discover which state Mr. Decour supposedly represents, or where he comes from. But Jeremy’s not paying us to stand around, so I’m sure he’ll find out more soon enough.

On a personal note listeners, I’m not so sure how I feel about this bill myself. Out of curiosity towards Mr. Decours complaints, I took a look at the application site and, to be honest, I can’t make head or tails of these questions. For example, “do you smoke?” Of course I do. Everyone I know has smoked at least once in their lifetime, except for my Aunt Katherine (who tends to steam) or Carlos; my sweet, talented, ever rebellious and strange Carlos, who it seems has never caught fire once. And I’m not sure if this application is going to eventually include some measure or gauge for the intensity of the burning or the toxicity and color of the smoke, but as it is this seems like prying to me.  
And frankly listeners, this attitude of discrimination against the Spontaneously Combusting is disgusting, and I encourage those especially prone to uncontrollable immolation to crawl out from beneath their fire blanket forts and express their distaste.

And now a word from one of our, now many, sponsors. The sun has been eclipsed by a heavy, metal ring. Do not be afraid. From above, the orb begins to twist in the sky in reaction to some undetectable gravitational body, and the lip of a metal can turns downward. Do not run away. The sharp smell of ancient, deep, red paint is all that warns you of the flood. Do not try to hide. It will reach you. Sherwin-Williams. Cover the world.

This episode was also partially brought to you by Monsanto. We’ve been poisoning your water supply and the only antidote is hidden within a single, indistinguishable grain of our corn in the mid-west. Get eating. Monsanto.

Our intern Jeremy has just discovered that Mr. Decour, the senator ejected from the senate floor, did not participate in any of the elections in our 50 states, but instead represents the undeclared and formerly unknown 51st state of New Zilliana, a state entirely composed of slaves existing to sort through insurance claims and applications, as well as another more personal, more heinous secret purpose. He also tells me their state bird is a coelacanth, their main export is Mr. Decour, and they have recently been staging a revolution. Well, I’d like to take this time to either officially welcome New Zilliana to our union or scold them for their arrogance, depending on how their revolution turns out.

[ And now, the weather.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwNWal5L1MM)

Listeners, I’ve just been informed that the shutdown is officially on the path to ending, after it was revealed that everything the Republicans had claimed was wrong. Lies. The vacant, zombie individuals who they claimed were enraptured by the online insurance application had been “like that for years” a white house spokesperson said, “we don’t know for how many years or how they got that way or why, but we can assure you that their souls have not been stolen by the United States government.” “That technology,” he added, “is years away from being completed, and there is no definitive proof otherwise.”

They added that they will be sure to look into what struck these men and women “as soon as they finish their insurance applications.”

Also, in a simultaneous news break, William Decour, the senator from New Zilliana, was just found dead on the White House front lawn. His skin was of an inhuman pale complexion, like that of a single piece of printer paper held up against the sun, and all of his blood had been drained from his body from what looked like four separate bite marks. His hair, having grown considerably in the less than 24 hours of his disappearance, was braided into several stylish cords and his clothes were torn and ripped and… wet. As though it had been gnawed upon by a wild animal. In a press conference immediately following the discovery, the President reminded Americans to donate blood at their local Red Cross, while his dog played with a piece of Mr. Decour’s jacket that had been stuck to the bottom of the Presidents shoe at the beginning of the conference with shocking ferocity.

The people of New Zilliana have not issued a statement about their fallen senator, nor are they believed to be able to.

Well, I for one cannot agree more. I’ve sent Intern Jeremy out to donate blood just now thanks to the Presidents suggestion, and I cannot stress its importance to you listeners. Life is a precious gift, housed within our various organs and tissues and fluids. A gift meant to be regifted, like the toaster your sister sent as a wedding gift. You already had a toaster, as did your spouse, but this one was on sale at Crate and Barrel. But at least it will make some non-mutual friend this Christmas happier.  
But most of all, I have just never been more relieved to receive public funding again.

_Today’s Proverb: The baby is stronger than you think. Leave its candy where you found it._

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you like it.  
> Kudos if you REALLY like it.
> 
> Tumblr - phaserburn.tumblr.com


End file.
